Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
