One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize