IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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