A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Your penis caused this!
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