One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
