I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
