Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
