my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
