Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
