During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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