yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
