I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
