Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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