I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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