Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
