It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
