Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
