I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
