you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
