u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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