it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
