There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
