We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
