Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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