Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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