It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
