There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
