Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
