Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
