How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
