I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
