just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
