Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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