I wish I could teleport
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
