That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
