If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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