do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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