I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize