i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im six kinds of drunk right now
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just found puke in my bra..
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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