dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize