The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
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What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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