It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Less talking, more tequila
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
