I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
