he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
