the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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