Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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