My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
