D3 body, D1 cock
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
