If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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