so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
