Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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