you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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