non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
