btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
