When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
